Alone.

This world feels so alone right now….

“Republican vs. Democrat”

“Black vs. White”

“Gay vs. Straight”

“Man vs. Woman”

All these divisions break my heart….it shouldn’t be this way. It was never meant to be this way. If only we knew how to love our enemies as Jesus loves us….maybe we wouldn’t be here right now. I still struggle with my faith, but it never truly left me.

I want to show the world what it was meant to be like, but I fear that I may never able to do that with my mental health issues….hopefully there will be a way out, somehow. It’s so dark right now, with all these thoughts overshadowing my mind. I have to believe they’re not true, but it’s so difficult. Maybe I can’t change the world, but I can raise my child to be a light in it. I have to be strong for my baby. For my husband. For everyone. It’s going to be difficult, but worth it. It has to be. We can’t keep living like this….we need to thrive, not just survive.

It’s been a while.

Over two years, in fact!! I should probably catch you up on what’s happened since the last time I posted here….the first thing, unfortunately, is that my mother passed in February of 2019. She had a “complicated” case but her stroke was what ultimately killed her. BUT…

Exactly 2 months after her passing I found out that my co-worker (who would eventually become my husband) liked me. We got married on August 29th of this year and now—drumroll, please!— we’re expecting our first child!!!! We just found out two weeks ago, and my first appointment is on November 5th. They should be able to hear the baby’s heartbeat by then since I’m already about 7 weeks along now. I’m so excited!!

The reason I decided to get back on here is so 1.) I can vent, and 2.) Talk about the baby. I am really trying not to worry about what could go wrong, especially since everything seems to be going well right now.

My husband got 2 Oculus Quests the other day, one for him and one for me. I was hoping that being able to join those VR chat spaces with him would get rid of my jealousy, which it did for a little bit. Unfortunately, it came back in full swing yesterday and resulted in me having an anxiety attack. It makes me feel pathetic, but what am I supposed to do about it? (No, seriously….I’d love to know. It’s no fun constantly feeling left out in a room full of people.)

Most people who know me don’t realize that I’m one of those clingy women. I’m not proud of it, but my social anxiety is really bad and it’s hard for me to be left alone with people unless it’s Dustin or someone in my family. I’m so grateful to have someone like Dustin, who is very forgiving…I’m not used to being treated so kindly, which is probably why I thought it was a joke when our co-worker first told me he liked me. Him, putting up with me? No way.

This post is a mess, lol. I just wanted to make a new post here since I haven’t done that in a while. If you actually took the time to read through this, thank you!! Hopefully I’ll start being more active on here again. Good-bye for now!

Hello, my deers! 

It’s been a while since I posted here!! Still struggling with writer’s block as usual (will it ever go away?!), but Pinterest has helped me out with that a little bit. It’s a great place to explore if you need a spark of creativity in your life! Also, I might start posting more videos on Youtube soon (just because) but we’ll see how that goes. That’s about it for now…have a great day! ^_^

Hello, friends!! It feels like a lifetime since I’ve posted anything new here, and it would be so great to start posting again. Unfortunately, I’ve had writer’s block for quite a while so who knows if that will happen?  Right now I’m sitting in the car with my parents and my dog as we ride through the rolling hills of Kentucky. It’s so weird to think that we don’t live here anymore…. About 2 months ago we moved to Ohio and I love our new apartment!! ^_^ It’s definitely bigger than our old one and we are literally right next to their dog park, which is great for Clare! I’ve also become somewhat obsessed with a show called Impractical Jokers, which is odd for me because I don’t generally watch comedy shows like that. We might get to see them live next year, which I’m so excited about!! 

Well, that’s about all for now. God bless! ❤

Hello, my deers!

It’s been a while!  :O

I’ve been so busy with work,  family, and other stuff that I haven’t really thought to post on here! Easter is in a couple of weeks and this year, my grandpa and I will be going down to North Carolina for that weekend to see my cousin Elizabeth get baptized into the Catholic church! I’m so excited because I’m going down there to be her sponsor and I’ve never gotten to to be anyone’s sponsor before!  😀

I’ve kind of jumped back into my faith full throttle since the last time I posted on here….also, although I’m still very much a veg(etari)an, I do occasionally eat meat and dairy now. I’m not super hardcore about it like I was before, but I do still tend to avoid animal products and hate seeing phrases like “ground up turkey/sausage”. Basically, I’ve been trying to find a healthy balance between caring for God’s creation and following the natural order of things, since it does say that we are allowed to eat animals in the Bible and that God gave them to us for consumption. God created everything, so who are we to deny what He says and does? 
I can’t think of anything else to say at the moment, so have a great day,  and God bless! ❤

Made my first smoothie today! 

Today I made my first smoothie using this recipe I found on Pinterest,  and it was so good!! I veganized it of course, and since I don’t currently have any yogurt sitting in the fridge I improvised with a little bit of peanut butter. I’m hoping to do more of this in the future and maybe try out some of those delicious-looking smoothie bowls I’ve been seeing all over social media lately! ^_^

Late Night Battles

These demons pierce their way through into my sleepy mind….

Screaming mercilessy into my ear for what seems to be eternity.

Whispers of sins past,  threatening to throw away my clean slate.

Cursing and howling in the night!  The nightmares return again.

Don’t they know how strong I’ve become?  They don’t care…. They want it all gone…

Our dignity,  our salvation. What have I done to deserve this?  I wonder.  EVERYTHING!!!! They spit at me. On me

They won’t win again. I’ll make sure of it……

Happy new year!!!!

It’s been a while! My mother has been home from the hospital for a while now, almost a month! She still struggles with certain things, but the good thing is that she was able to come home before Christmas!! 😀 (She was in the hospital during Thanksgiving this last year, and that day just wasn’t the same without her.) We have also finally seen the new Star Wars movie, and actually, we saw it twice. The first time we saw it, we went with my parents’ friends and their children. The second time we saw it, we went with my relatives who were in town. It was amazing and of course, I have fallen for the villain once again. (Don’t ask me why….I hardly understand it myself) I am Kylo/Reylo”trash”, as other fans call themselves. I know it’s weird but there’s just something so fascinating about him and the connection he has with Rey. Unless those two end up being related or something else weird like that, I totally ship it. I love the idea of Rey possibly leading Kylo to the light side because of his love for her!! And…..Adam Driver is already signed up for the next two movies so there’s hope for this ship to become canon! That would be so cool, and it would be the perfect counterpart to what happened between Anakin and Padme!!!! Anyway….we may be seeing the movie again in 3-D this week, and that would be pretty exciting as well. ^_^

I guess that’s it for now…have a great day!!

Hope

Hope…..is the only thing stronger than fear. It’s  what keeps us alive sometimes, in the darkest of ages. Hope is what you need when you have to watch your mother suffer unimaginable pain over and over again….I would give anything to be a nurse right now so I could help her at least a little bit. There has to be a way out of her hellish pain….there has to be.

Servant Princess

“An eagle dropped a diamond”.

Perhaps we wanted to catch them, perhaps not.

Once that diamond was dropped, we jumped into another realm with all we had.

Suddenly everything was new, like we had never been alive before. What happened?

Reality happened. We found reality.

It was found through different paths.

Thank you for your prayers!!

My mother has been home for about a couple of weeks now and she is feeling so much better than the last time I posted on here. Thank God and His never-ending mercies!! She just had a physical therapy session and apparently she doesn’t really need to do occupational therapy now since she is basically independent again! The annual family reunion is this weekend and I am so grateful that we get to go again. If you have any prayer intentions, tell me and i will most certainly pray for you!!

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I never posted about Clare here so I will do that now. We’ve had this sweet puppy for just about 2 months (adopted on March 27th), and she is a 10-month-old beagle mix. She loves to run and get belly rubs! Clare also enjoys car rides and is very well-behaved during them. (for the most part) She still has a couple issues to work on– biting & pulling — but she’s learning! Although I have always been (and probably will always be) a cat person, I am so grateful that we’ve finally been able to get a dog!

For Those Who Hurt On Mother’s Day

Just a week ago, my grandmother passed away and 2 days ago was her funeral….both of my grandmothers are gone now, and I was so close to both of them. My heart aches for those who have lost their mothers or have broken relationships with them. May our Father in heaven give them the peace and the strength to get through this day (and all others). ❤

john pavlovitz

Tear

Today is Mother’s Day.

For many people that means flowers and handmade cards and brunches and hugs and laughter. It means celebration and gratitude and rejoicing.

But for some it just means tears.

For many moms and adult children out there, this day is a stark unsolicited reminder of what was but no longer is, or it is a heavy holiday of mourning what never was at all.

This day might bring with it the scalding sting of grief for the empty chair around a table.

It might come with choking regret for a relationship that has been horribly severed.

It might be a day of looking around at other mothers and other children, and feeling the unwelcome intrusion of jealousy that comes with comparison.

Consider this a love letter to you who are struggling today; you whose Mother’s Day experience might be rather bittersweet— or perhaps only bitter.

This is consent to feel fully the contents of your own heart…

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Lost

Tears threaten to flow.

She doesn’t want it to show.

Where is he?

Where is she? Of course it’s there, they just don’t know.

Wherever they may be, whatever may be, whatever may show up soon to know.

Be by my side, don’t let me cease…..let me cease to be alone…..

Two friends holding each other, cute as can be. Let them be apart for a while.

Is this real or is it magic?

Is it truth or just so tragic?

The heartbroken she be, never leave me be.

Be alone for a while so you’ll never smile. Never be alone so you can figure it on your own.

The tears are flowing freely now, because she knows that it’ll never happen.

Heartbroken of the heartbreakers.

She will never be loved as truly as Jesus loves her.

My baby…..

Why did you have to go?

It was all in a dream 

But

I didn’t let go….

Nor did I want to see

What was right in front of me

Our eyes open to the west

For front or to the best

Eyes open wide As far as you can see

Everyone’s here, everyone

but 

me.

Hallelujah to the King of kings!

He has conquered death for us today,

For the ones who have always loved Him

As well as those who’ve gone astray.

If you’re falling down He’ll lift you up;

All you need is to drink from His cup.

His promises will never be broken,

For he hears our tears both shed and unspoken.